In May of last year my father died of cancer. I was there when he was admitted to Hospice of Florida as an inpatient, a week before he died and I was blessed to have one very lucid day with him and I think I learned more about my father in that one day that I had in my lifetime, I know I am blessed for that much. The next day he was unconsious. I stayed with my step-mom until my brothers could come. I needed to return to my family in Massachusetts. I was able to whisper to him my good-byes, he died two days later.

 

At his wish, there was no funeral, he wished to be cremated and his ashes sent into the sea, and told my step-mom he'd rather have a party to celebrate his life and not his death. I respect my father's wishes, and my step-mom is having his "party" on his birthday June 11, but I do not feel like I am ready to attend.

 

The reason for this is that, as desperately as I have tried, I cannot connect with my father. I don't know why, I miss him so much and I need to know he is out there...but I feel nothing, nothing and empty. I have tried spells, prayers and just sending to the universe my request to find him. He was a very strong and driven man in life and I'm sure dying at the age of 62 was not on his agenda. It damn sure wasn't on mine. And what my strong rock of a father was reduced to...an unconsious man lying naked in a hospital bed dying, with his family surrounding him is not the was he would have wanted to go. It would make him turn over in his grave (so to speak).

 

If anyone out there has any suggestions for me to find him, I am so desperate to feel him again. Please contact me, and thank you for reading my story.